No More of Fuckery of Light

I have at times this absolute horror of being alive
Now it is late afternoon bright with streams of light
Entering through the windows everything now
So clear and obvious and not like a dream
But like life real in such angry starkness
And I feel near driven mad by this torturing clarity
While wife putters around performing chores
She so happy and attentive and carefree
I feel the oppression of consciousness
Weighing me to this chair
There are birds outside singing oblivious
To the sheer terror I feel at being part of this madness
Where is sanity in a world so cruel where life
Is so fragile even and maybe especially when all seems
So light and airy and care free and ohmigod warm
I cannot share in this wonderous magic this seeming miracle
I am not part of what makes you sing and hum and whistle
I am of the other a distant tormented man
This light this brightness this warm glow is to me
A spiteful fraud a spurious sham mocking
Always mocking the true failure of nature to nurture
This fallacy this falsehood this bright outdoor natural light
Goddamn it damn it curse it and fuck it
I want no light shining I want no warmth on my skin
I want to be lost in a grey shroud of deep mist
With biting cold kicking my bones
I want the truth and I want it served in large angry dollops
Give it give it give it straight
No obscuring sunlight no tantalizing but fake warmth
No I say again no nothing to even faintly block
The agonizing stupendous rapture of searing pain
No more light nor more where is the blessed night
Where is the beloved fog bank
This and only this and no more of fuckery of light