What You Deserve

Have I?

Have I failed you?

Have I been too little of something?

Too much of another?

The wrong kind of still others?

Are you truly happy?

And if so

am I part of the reason?

And if not

am I part of the reason?

In my own way I have tried

I have wanted to be

What you deserve

Which is far more the I can do

But yes I have tried

Especially lately

Wanting to be 

Hoping to be

Trying to be

Can you ever forgive

The awful times

When I let you down?

So many I know

So foolish I was

So intent not to be anymore

As we grow older 

Together

I am determined

To

To be

To be what you deserve

Here It Is

I don' know where it all comes from
But here it is
Words

Changed clothes but not my mind
Walked to the gym arrived in time
Ran six miles and a half
No pain in either calf
Sauna and a shower felt good
Then on back to the neighborhood
Pretzels and smoothie of fruit
Root a toot toot
Watched a movie by Werner Herzog
Went outside was barked at by a dog
The wife and I went out to dine
Filling my belly felt might fine

Here it is
Those words I mean
I guess the brain decides
Which ones to use
(I don't always seem to choose)
Words and sentences and even
More
I don't get it
But I dig it
And later I read those words
And I'm all like
Where did those come from?
The answer is good old me
See?

Maybe

This is the last of it
No more words
It’s all empty and meaningless
And beyond love or hope
The imperfection is palatable
The soaring lows bottomless
There are no ashes
For the Phoenix to rise from
Only dregs so sad and forlorn
Tears of futility
Dominate the landscape
Where from the void
Comes reckless death
Embroiled in hell
But kernels of truth can be seen
A dash of honesty
The reality is not all bleak
Because always there is
This
These thoughts and desires
That transcend somehow
The death of wonder
Love peaks through
And we can believe for a minute
That maybe
Maybe
Maybe

Kathryn -- Again

There I was and you were so beautiful
We were together and you were so beautiful
You
I see wonders and amazing lights and
I feel delights and experience joys
But you are so much more
Beautiful
There is honor in life if done right
There is dignity there is saneness
There is purity and there is truth
But there is nothing
As beautiful
As you
Clouds and rain and sun
Nothing
Only the touch of a baby
The laugh of innocence
The waves on the shore
Dare try to compare
With you
Who are
So beautiful
Soft voices in the night
Light kisses on the mouth
The sincerity of a hug
Happiness
You are so beautiful

The Perpetual Squalor of the Empty Mind

Oh god the pain
The tearing at the soul
The utter devastation of lost tomorrows
All gone
Sand is all
And the dust
The dust everywhere
Lack of reason or hope
And the perpetual squalor of the empty mind
The futility of grasping
All is out of reach
And left here waiting for death
For the release of this pain
And the eternity of quiet
Here still the wrenching
The mind twisted by knowledge and lies
With an unquenchable desire for more of each
Not able to make good cause
With enemies of understanding
Just in puddles of dank sweat
Dripping desperately to the bottom
Where light's absence is the only surety
And therein depression shouts awkwardly
Beguiling somehow
Seized in the tentacles of sorrow
Wondering how to do anything
Anything at all

Oh the Past

"The stars were icicles of mockery." - From Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac.

The deadened night reached back into yesterday
There by the gleaming moon was all that I
had ever been
And wanted to be
The silent noise and the roaring quiet dissipated
But
I could still see the younger me full of hope
But
Without a plan or a goal or a vision
Dark clouds and a soft wind and a chill
all at two am
Made for a wistful sense that
there was little that could be done
The present was on going and the future a dream
the past though
Oh the past
Here was where I happily dwelled
Rectifying past mistakes
Righting wrongs I had done and that were done to me
Making me live anew
Editing and revising and fixing and correcting
As if what had transpired were written and not lived
I reached back into long past decades with an eraser
and a pen
And there made perfection where crystalline mistakes of
obvious blunder had once existed
This was my night of heroics
Wrongs righted enemies slighted dissipation blighted
I would go on now
Knowing that I had dwelled again
in years of ago
Oh the past my fickle friend
Not my memory but who I am
You I see as clouds against the stars edge into
the night sky
Don't hide from me
What is past is
Is
Always and forever
And I will re-write you yet
On cold dark nights of starry dreams

Up Up and Away

Climb climb
I've got to rhyme
Higher higher
Away from the pyre
Steep steep
I sow I reap
Abyss abyss
I can't miss
The top the top
Woes are my crop
End end
I'll never bend
Cry cry
I wish I could fly